Comeback.

Come back to me, baby, I’ll come back to you
You know the place that I go running to
I get scared when you’re scared, but what else can I do?
Come back to me, baby, I’ll come back to you

Wherever you are right now
Know somehow
I’ll be on the way
—

First the sermon.
Then the prophecy.
Then another.
And another.
And another.

This is bigger than me. This is bigger than us. There is God-given purpose for generations yet to come. We may not know how or why, but it’s a calling only we can fill.

It’s untraditional. It’s been a long time coming. But it’s coming.

Eleven years. It’s been eleven years since this journey began. Twelve since our initial meeting in the same city I’ll be seeing you in next month. Talk about full circle. But there’s no detail too small for God.

Today was full of reaffirmation I didn’t know I needed.

I don’t know if it’ll be another three weeks, three months, or three years, but one thing I am sure of is, I’m staying.

I haven’t gone anywhere. I won’t go anywhere.

I will always find my way back to you.

I love you.

Looking Up - Paramore.

Honestly, can you believe
We crossed the world while it's asleep?
I'd never trade it in
'Cause I've always wanted this and
It's not a dream anymore, no
It's not a dream anymore
It's worth fighting for.
---

Okay, so I woke up this morning thinking about you.. us.. the future. Playing out situations in my head. Like, people (outsiders/interviewers/fans) are going to ask questions and say it happened too fast & we're too young to get married. So then we decide to make a video explaining our stories, both sides, and how we technically have two years on this that no one else knew about. Two whole years. We wanted to play it at the wedding, but then we decided to do it at the the surprise engagement party, that people thought was just a get-together..

But then I stopped myself. I brought myself back to reality. And I prayed. I prayed to God to forgive me for being selfish.. For thinking about that when this weekend is about Him. Even though it's His will and my next step, I still took it into my own hands to say, 'Hey, let me forget about it right now. I have to do my devos.'

And the best ownage to my legalism? My devo opened with this verse: The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. - Jeremiah 1:7

Oh, and the continuation of that verse, which was showed later on in the devo? And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” - Jeremiah 1:8

Reality is.. This is reality. God is real. You are real. This situation is real. Our future is real.

Better Together - Jack Johnson.

Love is the answer,

At least for most of the questions in my heart

Like why are we here? And where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?

---

I'm happy. & The daily reminder that you're happy too is enough to keep me going. I just can't explain it. Seriously.. SPEECHLESS.

Since I can't find the words to write out a full-out blog, maybe this will be enough:

HAPPY. PEACEFUL. CONTENT.

..To its fullest definition. For the first time in a long time, if not ever.

After a year of this cat-and-mouse chase, we may possibly finally be on the same page. All we're waiting on is God's timing. His good and perfect timing.

I love it. I love this. I love Him. I love you.

<3

112808021209061209061909010710010810.

Everything You're Not - Demi Lovato.

I've been bruised and I've been broken,

Can't believe that I put up with all this pain.

---

So it's 5:23 in the morning and I can't sleep. Not because I'm an insomniac or because I'm in the city that never sleeps. I can't sleep because every single nerve in me is wracking. -- My heart is racing, my stomach is turning, and I just peed ..even though I didn't drink anything for the past two and a half hours.

This nocturnal state of mind, of course, caused me to think about the past, the future.. and forced me to think about the present. -- The past two and a half years.. The future: rest of my life.. and the present. January 7, 2010.

I honestly don't know where I am at this point. Maybe it's the nerves, but I wanna cry. Have a long, good, relieving cry. But I can't. It won't come out.

So that leaves me back at what I guess I'm trying to avoid ..thinking. Feeling. Being vulnerable. Having faith. Letting this situation back into my life. "I've been bruised and I've been broken" is the line that keeps repeating in my head tonight.

For the past year and two months, I've been committed to a vision. (From God, for sure.) But that's all it's been. It's been an illusion. I can see it. I can almost taste it.. But I can't feel it. It's not concrete. For the past year and two months, I've given myself to a situation only God & I can see. Without a support system. Without any boosts of motivation. Just a vision and a drive. And I don't know how long it's been, but I've slowly been tumbling down into disappointment.

Throughout the year, I've always had the mindset of "It's gonna happen today. I can feel it," But not ever really having it granted. And as much faith as I've had in it in the duration, I don't know where that faith went. I don't know where my trust went. All I know is that I feel heartbroken. Not heartbroken by a boy I had a crush on. Just heartbroken. I put my all in this. My whole life changed because of this. I thought I was doing the right thing ..But why do I feel like I've got nothing? I've got no one telling me if I'm doing it right or if I'm doing it wrong. No one to encourage me or correct me. And that breaks my heart. I don't know what to do next.

It's been a year of expectations and almost's.. I don't know if I can handle another one.. Just to get my heart shattered again. Yes, fine, all the situations were 'building my faith,' 'testing my patience,' 'learning my lessons'.. But when is enough, enough? When will the pain stop? When will it go away? If I could have it my way, I'd work for this love. I'd work for this situation. I'd do all in my power to make God happy, which in turn makes him happy.. But I know, "it's not about me, it's not what I want. It's what God wants for me." So what DOES He want? Where does He want this to go? I keep asking, with no direct replies. Just "Keep going" and "Have faith." But what about NOW? What do I currently do with this situation? Where do I go? What do I do?

It's not that I don't love God or that I don't trust Him. For sure, I do. I want Him to do His thing. But why do I feel like that's not enough from me? Like what do I do next? If You're angry, please tell me. If I'm doing something wrong, please correct me. I'm just lost with no direction at this point. Because I don't know if I'm supposed to simply trust and wait, or show that I care too by claiming and acting on it. Someone please tell me.

I'm torn. I'm broken. I'm hurt. I've expected. I've been wrong. I've put all my faith in all these little situations.. I've gotten a handshake, a look, a picture.. But when do I get the real thing? When does all of this pay off? I know not to question God's plan, timing, and authority.. but WHEN? When does the hurting go away and the joy comes to replace it? When can I finally praise God with the purest of my heart knowing that 'He has given me the desires of my heart'?

When will the vision I was given be fulfilled? Am I not doing my job? Am I doing something wrong? Please tell me. Because not only can I not take it, but if I'm not doing my job.. then how is God being glorified and magnified and praised, at this point? Because no doubt. HE DESERVES IT.

I don't mean to sound selfish about me getting what I want, about all this pain I'm going through. But I seriously... SIGHH.. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. All these false pretenses are killing me. Emotionally and spiritually at least. (Well.. physically, too, I guess. I haven't slept in MONTHS.) All this vision stuff and believing with all that I am every, single time.. I'm not so sure I have enough in me to do it one more time.. I wish I did, though..

Honestly, I don't just want him or this situation so that I could be happy with some boy.. but I want it for the sole purpose that this is what GOD wants.. Or what He told me he wants. And at this point, with every other aspect of my life given up, I feel that this is the only way to truly, fully, purely praise Him.

That's probably why I've been so out of it. And so lost. And numb. And broken. Because I don't have the boy or the lifestyle, which is pretty much the host of my spiritual life, in order to fully praise Him. I don't have school, I don't have friends, I'm barely hanging on to my family.. I have absolutely, no other aspects in my life. All I've got is him and this situation. And without that yet, I have nothing. I can't praise until what has been sowed is reaped. Until the vision is fulfilled.

But that feels SO wrong. Or it sounds so wrong.. I don't want to literally depend on another being, a boy for that matter, to dictate my status with my God, my Savior, my First Love, my Great Love, my One & Only.. kadljfak;

DO YOU SEE MY DILEMMA HERE, WHY I'M SO CONFUSED??

I need God to get him. But I can't trust Him because I feel broken from Him. And I only can repatch things with Him, once I get him, so that I can praise Him to trust Him again.

LOL, NO?

I need God to get Nick. But I need to trust God, first. But the only way I can trust God again is if I get Nick. But Nick's not here yet, therefore I can't trust God. So where does that leave me? Full circle.

And at this point, I don't know how to open my heart again. It's been open for so long with no signs of reciprocation. It's shutting ..if it's not shut already. If God would help me open it again, I would in a heartbeat.. but I don't feel Him doing it. Again leaving me with the question of what to do.

So I actually thought to write a blog, in the first place, to write down my future goals for myself in this relationship (..if I can even call it that). *NOTE: It is not a plan because it's up to God how He wants these goals to be accomplished.

- Be there for him. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually.. As a supporter, as a girlfriend, as a wife.
- To be able to distinguish the two. To find my role as a girlfriend and, later on, a wife.

My mind is all over the place and this is just another ramble blog.. But yeah..

My heart is still torn. I don't know what my place is. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to think, say, do.. I just don't know.

aldfkjadkjfa; i just want to breathe again..

Why do I feel like faith is not enough but action is too much?

If You Only Knew - Savannah Outen (Music Video).

So, there's this boy. He's kinda clogging up my brain ..for almost eight months, now. I don't need him; I don't even think I want him anymore ..but I miss him.

I mean, that's honestly all it is right now. First, he helped me find myself in God. Then, he helped me grow even stronger &be independent again, despite the 1-2 month break I had from him.

I'm at a point in my life where I really don't need him anymore ..yet, I find myself thinking about him more than ever; "Is he okay? What's left to do? What's next? The ball's in his court." Whatever the clutter in my mind says, the bottom line is: I miss him.

I don't know where you're at, what you're doing, who you're with, or what you're thinking.. but just know that I'm thinking about you. &I miss you. Like crazy. And I just thought you should know that.

Keep smiling ..even if you're not in New York.

yours always&forever,

<3

Six Months - Hey Monday.

& i can't think of anybody else who i hate to miss as much as i hate missing you.

---

Wow. Hearing those words come from your mouth is just killing me. We're miles & miles apart, but..

God, please tell him that I'm here. Tell him that I can wait. Tell him I will wait. & Tell him I am waiting. Tell him what you once told me: tell him not to settle for less. It's hard, and it seems impossible, but please reassure him that You have a plan for him (Jeremiah 29:11), a plan that involves both him & I. Whether it takes five years, five months, or even five days, please let him know that no one will ever take his place, no matter how long it takes.

Nothing hurts me more than to see you with that frown on your face. My goal is to forever prevent that from happening, and when I see you like that, I feel like I'm not fulfilling my part. I just want to see the smile that I gave you, merely four days ago, find a permanent home on your face.

These past four days have allowed me to reflect, not just on this very revealing past weekend, but the past seven months of my life. The past seven months that I've committed to you. The past seven months that you've helped me find myself & helped me grow closer to our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

You've taught me unconditional love. You've taught me patience. You've taught me selflessness. Now, I want to do the exact same for you. You deserve it, in every way possible. You deserve the best. & It doesnt get better than whatever comes from our Father God, Himself.

I want to love you like God loves me. Like God loves us. As individuals and as, someday, a couple. I want to show you what He has shown me.. through you.

You might not know it yet, but I am here. I always will be. No matter what. A month apart from you, a month when I thought I lost you forever, showed me how much you really mean to me. How much God has really used your life in mine.

I want to do the same for you.

I can love you before, after, & during the storm. That is, if you let me & if you allow me to love you like no other human being has.

I'm thinking of you. & don't you dare doubt that for one second.

falling asleep to your voice..

Love always,

yours truly..

.. forever<3

Wait for Me - Rebecca St. James.

I am waiting for, praying for you, darling

Wait for me, too

Wait for me, as I wait for you

'Cause I am waiting for, praying for you, darling

Wait for me, too

Wait for me, as I wait for you

Darling, wait.

---

[11.28.08]
you have a special way of helping others when they need it most. -- thank you for all you've done.

psalm 2:12 kjv

[11.30.08]
hebrews 10:22-25

when it hurts will we still speak
you gotta love me when it hurts
-- avant

[12.01.08]
1 peter 5:8, 2 corin. 11:14
joshua 1:8

"take courage and stay faithful to God,

being content with what you have and

fathfully committed to doing a good job,

and He will promote you in His perfect time."

1 timothy 4

[12.02.08]
isaiah 43:18-19 (HCSB)
1 peter 3
"Wait for the boy who pursues you. The one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical. The kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the boy who you can be the best friend to. The only one who can make you drop everything to be with him at any time, no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who you can make smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the boy who you want to show off to the world and your friends. And most of all, wait for the boy who you will put up at the center of your universe, because that's where they belong."
Proverbs 19:21-"For a man can make many plans, but the purpose of God will prevail."
John 10:27-"My sheep recognize my voice; I know them and they follow me."
[[ Faith is...
1. BELIEVING when i don't see it.
2. OBEYING when i don't understand it.
jeremiah 29:11-- God will not lead you to disaster.
3. GIVING when i don't have it.
sometimes we give God our leftovers rather than the best part. --faith is giving when it hurts so much.
4. PERSISTING when i don't feel like it.
james 1:2-4
5. THANKING God before i receive it.
6. TRUSTING if i don't get it.

*TWO FACTS ABOUT PRAYER:
1. God always HEARS and ANSWERS every prayer.
2. God does not always answer the WAY we WANT Him to. ]]
Ezekiel 36:26
2 corinthians 5:17
james 2:17
galatians 2:20
1 peter 4:19

[12.04.08]
joshua 1:8, keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so you may be careful to do everything written in it. then you will be prosperous and successful.
1 timothy 4:4-5,14,16
hebrews 4
james 4
proverbs 4

[12.05.08]
exodus 33:14 (thedevotional)
james 1:17
acts 20:35
luke 6:38
1. God values offering differently than humans -- loses value when stingy
luke 2:1-20
true meaning of christmas
2 timothy 3:10-12
psalm 105

[12.06.08]
romans 8 (:18,24-25,28,31-32,35)
john 10:8/10,24-30

[12.07.08]
1 corinthians 12:4-6,13
"next generation"
"judea, samaria, & all the world"
"i receive from the Lord, but i also pass it on to you"
"not only for the next generation, but the generation to come"

[12.08.08]
psalm 108
proverbs 8
john 8
matthew 18
mark 8:31,35
"for whoever wants to safe his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."
"success doesn't begin by having faith in yourself, it begins by having faith in the One that can grant you the successful victory."
1 corin. 3:18-19

[12.09.08]
1 thess. 2:4
1 corinthians 3
eph . 3:17-19
galatians 3:14
genesis 12:2-3

[12.10.08]
john 14:29

[12.11.08]
"there is nothing certain in this life except for God and His promises."
luke 2:10
"it is God, your Creator, who will measure your success in life, and no one else."

[12.12.08]
psalm 84:11
acts 20:24

[12.13.08]
ecclesiastes 5:4
hebrews 6:18

[12.14.08]
1 corinthians 9:11
"He is a God of hope, and it is a hope that will not disappoint."
"God's plan for your salvation is three-dimensional: You're saved from something, you're saved for something, and you're saved by something."
--PDL devo.
** VCNJ SUNDAY SERVICE **
THREE WISE MEN
"whatever the cost" ; matthew 2:12
1. inscense = good life right now
- satisfied, getting by, easy
- good @ school, good w. fam
--> lose sight of real worship
- deut. 6
----> no matter how good life is, should not lose focus of worship & of He who provided
2. myrrh = numb, before burial/crucifix
- God knows bad things are gnaa happen
--> that is the time to worship God
--> in weakness, find strength
--> found grace & abounding mercy
- don't allow problems/difficulties/challenges to destroy & stop worshipping the LIVING God
3. gold = wealth
- property, something own: SCHOOL.
- represents giving EVERYTHING to God.
- romans 12:1
*WORSHIP HIM IN ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE
--> STRUGGLING OR NOT, WORSHIP ONE GOD.
** ----- **
song: we are the reason
song: ill be

[12.16.08]
mark 9:19,23-24,35,43-47
proverbs 16
psalm 116
psalm 112:6-7
ourfuturelove.blogspot.com

[12.17.08]
2 timothy 1:9
PDL-- "Christmas: Saved for a Purpose"
luke 12:42

[12.18.08]
mark 8
psalm 118
proverbs 18
PDL-- "Christmas: God's Grace at Work"
luke 1
deut. 6:18
ecc. 5:19

[12.19.08]
proverbs 19:21,23

[12.20.08]
serendipity

[12.21.08]
ecc. 4:4
1 thess. 5:11

[12.22.08]
psalm 22
proverbs 22
getting into you - relient k

[12.24.08]
beethoven 'my immortal beloved'
"it wasn't logic, it was love."

[12.25.08]
jeremiah 24:6
ezekiel 24:15-27
ezekiel 25

[12.27.08]
"voice of truth"
proverbs 27:1-2

[12.28.08]
hebrews 11:1
"the stand"
"through it all"
PROV. 16:25
wide & narrow gate
---
THE LORD'S WAY
1. IT IS A DEFINITE WAY
- RM. 1, JN. 14:16,
2. IT IS A PERFECT WAY
- DOES NOT LACK ANYTHING
- HARD & DIFFICULT BUT NEVER LESS
- PLANNED BY GOD WHO KNOWS US, DESIGNED US, & LOVES US
- PSALM 18:30-32
3. IT IS AN ASSURED WAY
- GUARANTEED TO TAKE US TO HEAVEN
- RM. 6:22, JN. 3:16
- THE CROSS BEFORE ME, THE WORLD BEHIND ME
4. IT IS A JOYFUL WAY
- THOSE WHOM GOD REVEALED HIMSELF, THEY HAVE SHOWN GREAT JOY
- MT. 2:10
5. IT IS THE ONLY WAY
- THERE IS NO OTHER WAY [TO GOD]
- THERE ARE OTHER ALLURING WAYS, BUT ONLY ONE PATH TO LEAD YOU TO GOD
- JN. 14:6
- DON'T INSULT GOD BY MAKING OTHER WAYS
- BY GOD'S GRACE, WALK STILL. DON'T GIVE UP.
- THERE ARE DIFFICULT TIMES, BUT TO STRENGTHEN & TEST US.
- FOR EVERY TRIAL, THERE IS A JOY. DON'T GIVE UP.
- MANY DISCOURAGEMENTS FROM TIME & PEOPLE, BUT IT DID NOT AFFECT THE DILIGENCE ON SEEKING THE SAVIOR; KEEP ON KEEPING ON.
- HAVING FOUND JESUS, DON'T STOP THERE.
---

[12.29.08]
psalm 29
"life is tough, that's why its good to have someone you love by your side holding your hand ; so you could walk away from the rest of the world together." the secret life, ep. 10
matt. 6:19-21
john 13:34
isaiah 45:15

[12.30.08]
mark 9
matt. 28
psalm 130

[12.31.08]
PDL: 'lessons in contentment'
psalm 31-32
proverbs 31
romans 5:2-5

[01.01.09]
jeremiah 29(:5-6)
ezekiel 36

[01.02.09]
philippians 4:6
john 8:12

[01.03.09]
psalm 103
psalm 33(:4)

[01.04.09]
**
jeremiah 29:10-12
i can make my own plan OR
i can submit to God's plan.
- not to harm me
- to bless me
- take care of me
luke 15 (parable of lost son)
- provide for me
- take away the fear in my heart
- romans 8
"i CAN make a plan, but i CHOOSE to submit to God's plan"
i will follow God's requirement
- hebrews 11:6
T: trusting, (God is Love)
- psalm 9:10, psalm 20:7
R: relationship (give&take)
- jer. 29:12, phil. 4:6-7,19
U: uncompromising heart
- romans 12:2
S: serving heart
- john 12:26
T: tested faith
**
psalm 45
"what's the jonas brothers' ideal girl"
(article, 1/4/2009, jonasbrothersfan.com)