I've been bruised and I've been broken,
Can't believe that I put up with all this pain.
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So it's 5:23 in the morning and I can't sleep. Not because I'm an insomniac or because I'm in the city that never sleeps. I can't sleep because every single nerve in me is wracking. -- My heart is racing, my stomach is turning, and I just peed ..even though I didn't drink anything for the past two and a half hours.
This nocturnal state of mind, of course, caused me to think about the past, the future.. and
forced me to think about the present. -- The past two and a half years.. The future: rest of my life.. and the present. January 7, 2010.
I honestly don't know where I am at this point. Maybe it's the nerves, but I wanna cry. Have a long, good, relieving cry. But I can't. It won't come out.
So that leaves me back at what I guess I'm trying to avoid ..thinking. Feeling. Being vulnerable. Having faith. Letting this situation back into my life. "
I've been bruised and I've been broken" is the line that keeps repeating in my head tonight.
For the past year and two months, I've been committed to a vision. (From God, for sure.) But that's all it's been. It's been an illusion. I can see it. I can almost taste it.. But I can't feel it. It's not concrete. For the past year and two months, I've given myself to a situation only God & I can see. Without a support system. Without any boosts of motivation. Just a vision and a drive. And I don't know how long it's been, but I've slowly been tumbling down into disappointment.
Throughout the year, I've always had the mindset of "It's gonna happen today. I can feel it," But not ever really having it granted. And as much faith as I've had in it in the duration, I don't know where that faith went. I don't know where my trust went. All I know is that I feel heartbroken. Not heartbroken by a boy I had a crush on. Just heartbroken. I put my all in this. My whole life changed because of this. I thought I was doing the right thing ..But why do I feel like I've got nothing? I've got no one telling me if I'm doing it right or if I'm doing it wrong. No one to encourage me or correct me. And that breaks my heart. I don't know what to do next.
It's been a year of expectations and almost's.. I don't know if I can handle another one.. Just to get my heart shattered again. Yes, fine, all the situations were 'building my faith,' 'testing my patience,' 'learning my lessons'.. But when is enough, enough? When will the pain stop? When will it go away? If I could have it my way, I'd work for this love. I'd work for this situation. I'd do all in my power to make God happy, which in turn makes him happy.. But I know, "it's not about me, it's not what I want. It's what God wants for me." So what DOES He want? Where does He want this to go? I keep asking, with no direct replies. Just "Keep going" and "Have faith." But what about NOW? What do I currently do with this situation? Where do I go? What do I do?
It's not that I don't love God or that I don't trust Him. For sure, I do. I want Him to do His thing. But why do I feel like that's not enough from me? Like what do I do next? If You're angry, please tell me. If I'm doing something wrong, please correct me. I'm just lost with no direction at this point. Because I don't know if I'm supposed to simply trust and wait, or show that I care too by claiming and acting on it. Someone please tell me.
I'm torn. I'm broken. I'm hurt. I've expected. I've been wrong. I've put all my faith in all these little situations.. I've gotten a handshake, a look, a picture.. But when do I get the real thing? When does all of this pay off? I know not to question God's plan, timing, and authority.. but WHEN? When does the hurting go away and the joy comes to replace it? When can I finally praise God with the purest of my heart knowing that 'He has given me the desires of my heart'?
When will the vision I was given be fulfilled? Am I not doing my job? Am I doing something wrong? Please tell me. Because not only can I not take it, but if I'm not doing my job.. then how is God being glorified and magnified and praised, at this point? Because no doubt. HE DESERVES IT.
I don't mean to sound selfish about me getting what I want, about all this pain I'm going through. But I seriously... SIGHH.. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. All these false pretenses are killing me. Emotionally and spiritually at least. (Well.. physically, too, I guess. I haven't slept in MONTHS.) All this vision stuff and believing with all that I am every, single time.. I'm not so sure I have enough in me to do it one more time.. I wish I did, though..
Honestly, I don't just want him or this situation so that I could be happy with some boy.. but I want it for the sole purpose that this is what GOD wants.. Or what He told me he wants. And at this point, with every other aspect of my life given up, I feel that this is the only way to truly, fully, purely praise Him.
That's probably why I've been so out of it. And so lost. And numb. And broken. Because I don't have the boy or the lifestyle, which is pretty much the host of my spiritual life, in order to fully praise Him. I don't have school, I don't have friends, I'm barely hanging on to my family.. I have absolutely, no other aspects in my life. All I've got is him and this situation. And without that yet, I have nothing. I can't praise until what has been sowed is reaped. Until the vision is fulfilled.
But that feels SO wrong. Or it sounds so wrong.. I don't want to literally depend on another being, a boy for that matter, to dictate my status with my God, my Savior, my First Love, my Great Love, my One & Only.. kadljfak;
DO YOU SEE MY DILEMMA HERE, WHY I'M SO CONFUSED??
I need God to get him. But I can't trust Him because I feel broken from Him. And I only can repatch things with Him, once I get him, so that I can praise Him to trust Him again.
LOL, NO?
I need God to get Nick. But I need to trust God, first. But the only way I can trust God again is if I get Nick. But Nick's not here yet, therefore I can't trust God. So where does that leave me? Full circle.
And at this point, I don't know how to open my heart again. It's been open for so long with no signs of reciprocation. It's shutting ..if it's not shut already. If God would help me open it again, I would in a heartbeat.. but I don't feel Him doing it. Again leaving me with the question of what to do.
So I actually thought to write a blog, in the first place, to write down my future goals for myself in this relationship (..if I can even call it that). *NOTE: It is not a plan because it's up to God how He wants these goals to be accomplished.
- Be there for him. Whether physically, emotionally, spiritually.. As a supporter, as a girlfriend, as a wife.
- To be able to distinguish the two. To find my role as a girlfriend and, later on, a wife.
My mind is all over the place and this is just another ramble blog.. But yeah..
My heart is still torn. I don't know what my place is. I don't know where I stand. I don't know what to think, say, do.. I just don't know.
aldfkjadkjfa; i just want to breathe again..
Why do I feel like faith is not enough but action is too much?
