Sun - Mae.

Why won't you just let this be your sun?

" I don't want someone because I'm scared for the ending.

I'm scared to fall in love again. Open up completely ..

& then, just get s h u t  o u t. "

--

God, I'm scared. I'm scared to be vulnerable. I'm scared to not be in control. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of commitment. I'm scared of the uncertainty. I'm scared of not knowing. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I don't have a plan. I don't even know what's gonna happen for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, the rest of the year.. and that is so new to me.

God, I'm so sick of myself. It hurts when I doubt You. It hurts when I don't believe You. It hurts when I don't let You work. It hurts that I'm hindering Your Kingdom from growing.. Because I know it hurts You more.

God, I give You full control. I give You everything, for Your glory. You deserve that and so much more, but it's all I have to offer. And I want You to have it.. all. It's so new and I have no idea what to do next, but rid me of myself, I belong to You, God. "If that's what it takes to praise You, Jesus bring the rain." I know You're here with me, guiding me, never leaving my side. Use me, Father God, for Your Kingdom's growth and glory;  Not for [[my parents', my teachers', my friends', or even]] my own. Lord, I offer my life to You.

Help me overcome my unbelief (Mk. 9:24). I think I'm actually scared to be happy; to be really, truly happy. I think I'm scared of the thought that someone might actually love me back.. someone in addition to You; someone else.. who's concrete. And God, I don't think I can handle it; I don't think I know how to handle it.. I think I'm scared to have my happy ending.

But God, I put my life in Your hands, in Your control. You know me better than I know myself; You know what I truly want, what I truly need, what I'm truly ready for. So if You think I'm ready to love and be accountable for another, then I trust You. 

God, I love You. For loving me despite everything; despite my doubts, despite me turning away, despite my settling for lower standards.  For not giving up on me.  For trusting me still with Your will. For seeing the best in me when I don't. For reassuring me and pushing me to NOT settle for less. For being the One my heart longs for. For completing my puzzle.

God, I just want You to be happy. So please use me to help You accomplish Your happiness.

<3